10. Remind him that every missed training camp day is a missed opportunity to show Jason David how it’s done.
9. Write the contract on a naked dancer from the world famous Rick’s Cabaret.
8. Guilt him with the phrase “No one likes a Jamarcus.” 
7. Secretly replace his Gatorade with a Tropical Isle Hand Grenade before negotiations begin.
6. Promise him one of Reggie’s “lady” leftovers.
5. Threaten a lawsuit for reneging on the Saints’ bailout plan.
4. Offer him his own VH1 reality show. Same great taste as T.O.’s…but less douchey.
3. Remind him he’ll have the opportunity to frustrate Eli, force Donovan to do the “my fault” chest pat, and cut Matt Ryan down to size all in the same season.
2. Two words: fan loyalty.
1. Assure him that no on our team has forced dogs to fight, shot himself in the leg, hit and killed a man, or been accused of rape. Then immediately knock on wood.
Be sure to tune into the Ellen Show today to see if I can beat those other "so-called" Ultimate fans and make my Super Bowl dreams come true!!!
Oh, I adore this post. Not only is it funny, but I feel comforted by the fact that I am not the only one DESPERATE for this man to sign.
[crossing fingers]
hey, T.O. isn’t acting THAT douchey yet!
hahaha!! with t.o., there’s always an implied hint of douche…and i think he fancies it that way.