Hey Ladies,
Tom Brady here. Last night I took a break from my day job (knocking up supermodels) to play a little football. In case you missed the game, I’ll give you a quick recap of how much my team sucks, in spite of me and my good looks throws.
I’m not sure you heard Cris Collingsworthless mention it 90 times, but I’m awesome. I was dominating the first half of the game, with a little help from my bro R-Moss. I haven’t gone to much-needed professional counseling yet, so once again, I set out to prove that the 6th round draft pick was better than Mr. 1st round Commercial-monger Manning. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I do advertising too. But I prefer modeling because it doesn’t require a personality and enables me to meet women who are good-looking enough to marry have my babies.
Anyways, I pretty much had the game in the bag by halftime, until my team decided that we wanted to lose. I don’t understand why my receivers can’t catch my perfect passes without bobbling or fumbling them. I wasted two time-outs in order to get through to my coach that unless I was on the field for the maximum amount of time, we weren’t going to win. It’s not my fault butterfingers Faulk can’t handle my balls. The worst part is, not a single player on the Indy defense touched my glorious self on the 4th and 2 play, so I couldn’t employ my stellar acting skills and petition for a “roughing the passer” call.
Ladies, it was tragic. I’ve never felt so offensively impotent in my life, and I think I might need to divorce my wife and impregnate a younger, hotter supermodel with twins in order to reclaim my masculinity. That, or I’ll do another cologne ad. Either way, I don’t think winning football games is possible anymore, because I’m too sexy for my team.
Yours Truly,
Tom Shady
Be sure to tune into the Ellen Show today to see if I can beat those other "so-called" Ultimate fans and make my Super Bowl dreams come true!!!
LAUGHING OUT LOUD AT WORK!!!!!! HA HA HA!
BC:
I hate your team, but I love your witty, charming, and truthful prose. You are brilliant, my dear!
Now, we just have to do something about your bears thing.
I love this…but do my eyes decieve me or is that Pee Wee Herman on his arm?!?
Ha! This is awesome, Bears Chick!
(Except I can’t agree with anything negativity about Cris Collinsworth. Because he’s the best on TV.)
Made my day. Thank goodness I can celebrate a Patriots loss while I wallow in my team’s monstrosity of a game.
a diss on tom and collingsworth? santa..you got my letters! (although to keep it real, i think baby daddy is hot in all his lurch-yness)
Nola–agree to a point. Sometimes I think Tom looks like a super hot pile of rugged masculinity, but other times (like in some of his homoerotic advertisements) I think he looks way way way too ‘pretty’ to be playing football (or vying for my affections for that matter). It’s a toss up.
And then there’s the part where he’s a complete moron. To quote my good friend The Editor: “Get ball. Throw ball. Get ball. Throw ball.”
Love, love, love this!
Now, I know why the Eagles got pounded by the Cowboys three times in a row. Maybe McNabb forgot his chunky soup before the games. LOL! Has Eagles ever win a super bowl game? don’t think so. Dolphins and Bears, in case you forgot, your teams haven’t win a super bowl game in the past 20 yrs. Maybe you want to pay more attention to your team instead of worrying about Tom Brady knocking up supermodels. I sure he will not knock you up. don’t worry.