Two weeks ago, Miami played New England. That was a big game. With snow coming down at home, I wrote a letter to Santa Claus. Tomorrow, the Dolphins face a giant foe, the Titans. So today, in the middle of blizzard conditions, my sights are set on Mount Olympus. After all, it was the gods who brought low the Titans of old. So here I am, blanketed in snow, invoking the Greek gods!
Hear my petitions:
Zeus: God of gods. I ask that you blow your winds against the Titans, especially when they’re passing or kicking. And keep the wind calm or at our backs when we are doing the same. Allow the Dolphins to steal some of your thunder, lending a spark to their steps so they can light up the scoreboard!
Poseidon: I entreat you, O god of the seas, to give my Dolphins speed and stealth. Help us navigate the seas, whether stormy or calm, with a powerful three-pronged attack – offense, defense, special teams – until we triumphantly ride the wave of victory.
Hephaestus: Fire up your forge to equip the Dolphins with strong, reliable weapons and armor.
Aphrodite: Inspire my boys with your grace and love. Make their play a thing of beauty to behold!
Ares and Artemis: God of war and goddess of the hunt, please lend your courage and strength to the Dolphins. We need a stalwart defense and a slashing, unrelenting offense as we seek to bring down these Titans and continue our playoff hunt. And keep Achilles from meddling in this, we don’t need his heel to bring us down!
Apollo and Athena: Guide us with your foresight and cunning. We’ll need vision, a battle-tested game plan, and protection from injuries.
Hades: I ask that this game not become the game from, well, Hades. And if you could deign to allow the Dolphins to borrow your helmet of invisibility so as to slip past defenders unseen, we’ll be forever in your debt.
Dionysus: I ask only that you remain impartial until we have won. If you want to encourage any of the players to revel, that is all well and good, once we have been declared victors.
There you have it: I am petitioning the gods. I hope they will look upon the Dolphins with favor and find them worthy. I would seek guidance from the Oracle at Delphi, but alas…the best I can do is to ask the Magic 8 Ball whose visions are usually just as clouded and hard to interpret. Please, Dolphins, bring down the Titans!
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Your column is so entertaining that I hope your entreaties work and the Dolphins win today. I know my Saints lost last night, and I am still mourning the loss of a perfect season. Now that the Saints have been shown to be mere mortals, I shall also have to start sending pleas to all the powers that be, too. Good luck to your Dolphins, and good luck digging out of all that snow!
i just hate football. it is annoying and i really dont see the point of playing or watching it, or even paying attention to it. it is just rediculous to see all of these people throwing themselves into it and over react……im sorry, but you people need help….