Hello and thank you for watching Chicks In The Huddle Television News. I’m your host Fern Ronay, aka CowboysChick, and you’re watching Chicks In The Huddle’s exclusive television newscast in high definition.
Tonight’s top story. NFL owners and players have FINALLY reached a decision on the collective bargaining agreement and this means football fans everywhere can breathe a sigh of relief as there will NOT be a lockout for the 2011 season.
The agreement was reached late last night at the Dallas home of Cowboys’ owner Jerry Jones where it was reported that owners and captains from all 32 NFL teams gathered around the hot tub, held hands and sang Kumbaya. All were in agreement that instead of INCREASING the owners’ share of the $9 billion pool from $1billion to $2.4billion, ALL parties will be taking a “haircut” so to speak and donating that $1.4billion difference as follows:
$100M to the American Red Cross
$100M to the Salvation Army
$100M to the Best Friends Animal Society
$100M to St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital
$100M to the Center for Missing and Exploited Children
$100M to Feed the Children
$100M to the Children’s Health Fund
$100M to the National Head Start Association
$100M to the Sunshine Foundation
$100M to Homes for our Troops
$100M to Habitat for Humanity
$100M to National Alliance to End Homelessness
$100M to the National Council on Aging
$100M to the Global Fund for Women
While all the parties will obtain SOME tax benefits from this arrangement, Jerry Jones is quoted as saying, while tapping his hand over his heart, “The benefit is in here.”
It is also being reported that after the parties signed on the dotted line, using Mr. Jones’ favorite blue and silver Mont Blanc pen, champagne was popped and hors d’oeuvres were served, including pigs in a blanket and mini quiche.
According to various eye witnesses, however, Tony Romo, quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys, is said to have declined all alcohol and food stating that he was “dieting for the big day,” which presumably means his upcoming wedding to Candice Crawford. Can somebody say Groomzilla?
And, that’s our news for this evening. Thank you for tuning in. Until next time, remember: you can never be too rich or too thin.
Oh, I didn’t get that right, did I? I messed that up. Can we do the outro one more time?
And, that’s our news for this evening. Thank you for tuning in. Until next time, as the owners and the players of the NFL have shown us tonight: you CAN be too rich but you can never be too kind. Good night.
(Fumbling with microphone) – Get this thing off me. This damn Gucci blouse is itching me. I’m throwing it in the garbage. And what am I drinking here? You’re telling me this is Fiji water? You’re fired. (Door slams)