Cam Newton, I SHALL Resist You!

For the first time in years, non-Panthers fans like me are actually giving a crap about the Panthers…in preseason at that. The culprit behind this madness is clear. Blame it on that damn Cam!

Carolina’s rookie quarterback Cam Newton did okay in his first outing as an NFL player. He was 8/19 for 134 yards. He had a few field goal drives and some pretty good scrambles. It was, as the kids say, “aiiight.” Nothing to write home about. Nothing to make me think I’d actually want to watch another Panthers game at any point this season. Except that all during the game, I kept seeing and hearing this…

Damn you, Cam! I won’t let you suck me in with your dimples and your triceps and your dazzling white teeth and your triceps and the whole “perfectly chiseled abs” thing and, you know, the triceps. I won’t be sucked into your sick web of hotness, Sir Newton, as you sir, are the ENEMY! So you can just take your little ESPN highlight reel and all the press coverage you’ve been getting for your mediocre first game and shove it right up your deliciously toned, tight, squishable little…
Hang on a second…losing train of thought…can’t focus…fighting urge to daydream…UGH!!!

Is there such a thing as reverse beer goggles that I can turn to when the Saints play these guys? Maybe I can focus on the very gross fact that he’s younger than my nephew. Oooh…that’s helping! Oh and what about all these internet rumors swirling about Cam Newton dating this one and that one and whoever else. (Although, he is an athlete. A very, very sexy athlete. He’d be a weirdo if he weren’t dating a million girls.)

Wait a minute…I think I know the great equalizer in this dreaded, lustful scenario. No anti-hotness drugs or blindfolds necessary. All I need to do when I close my eyes is to drift away on a cloud of seduction, not by picturing the leader of some loser squad, but by picturing this…

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About Nola Chick

Shaneika, a.k.a. Nola Chick, is a lifelong crazed Saints fan and creator of If she looks familiar, you may have seen her lose a Cadillac on "The Price is Right" with Bob Barker or win Super Bowl tickets on the Ellen Show. (She gets around...)

Twitter Handle: @chicksndahuddle


  1. Cougars for Cam! The music on that youtube clip made me lol.

  2. As a orange and blue bleeding Auburn girl, Cam Newton won my heart last year with his infectious smile and come-back rally of the century to beat ‘Bama. So, I loved him already. Then, when Carolina drafted him, all I could think was, “Damn. Now I gotta watch the panthers…”

  3. @jackie- i couldn’t resist
    @Sainstseester- I KNEW you’d feel my pain! It was hard enough putting my LSU love aside to root for him and Auburn, as I hate Saban and Bama, but now this? Sheesh…

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