Dear Dirty Birds,
Now that I’ve gotten that out of my system, how are you? I hear you’ve been, um, going through some things. Totes sucks. I remember last year when I was going through some similar woes. You weren’t exactly there for me. In fact, I sort of remember you mocking me mercilessly. I can’t say I was surprised given our complicated past and the fact that I typically wouldn’t pee on you if you were on fire. With that said, I’ll admit it was tough having things go so poorly for me while they seemed to be coming up roses for you.
Here we are, a year later, and the shoe is on the other foot. (And given the current status of your team, I’m assuming that foot is broken or has incurable gangrene.) It’s weird saying this but I find myself torn. Should I point and laugh at you whilst dancing on the grave of your Super Bowl hopes? Should I post mean memes mocking your failures…like this one:
Or this one?
Or this one?
Sure they’re hilarious, but what does posting them really do for me, other than make you sad? It hardly seems like the right thing to do.
I could also call you out for being the most fickle, fairweather fans in all the land…and prove it by posting a video of you booing your own team on national TV before the end of the 2nd quarter. But what would I gain from making you look bad? Perhaps a few snickers, but is it worth it for the shame I would have caused you?
My team started it’s season 0-4 back in 2012. We were without our head coach and our defense was about as intimidating as the Snoopybabe internet cat. So I know what it’s like to hit rock bottom and you, Falcons fans, are at rock bottom.
You have a coach that you probably wish would get suspended. Your best players are injured. Your “defense” couldn’t stop a running toilet much less a running back. In a nutshell, your team blows. But Nola Chick has decided to take the high rode and not throw that in your face.
Instead, I am here to extend an olive branch. Let’s end this silly little tiff between us and start fresh. Instead of me yelling at you to “Rise Up My Ass”, I offer you an opportunity to “Stand Up and Get Crunk”, by cheering on your long time NFC South foe. Put the bickering on the back-burner and allow yourselves to live out your postseason dreams through the New Orleans Saints. Sure we Saints fans would have wanted to collectively slit our wrists after throwing dog feces at your team bus had the Falcons made it to the Super Bowl in New Orleans last year. But we offer you an opportunity to be bigger than us. Join the Saints as they go marching on to victory!
And if none of that works for you, then yes, do feel free to “Rise Up My Ass”.