A PSA to Saints Fans Mourning Traded “Hotties”

Attention all female Saints fan... It's your new friend Sassy Chick. Pull up a chair. Let's chat. Yes, football players are fine as sin. I used to watch Terrell Owens warm up because oooohhh weeee but once the clock started, it's all football and I was hoping that our CBs knocked his block off. The ONLY way that would have changed is if he was in black and gold. With that said, if y'all don't stop whining about cute players getting cut your fan card is getting pulled. Kenny Stills was cute in an "uber metro, refuse to let go of the Honey Badger 2013 blonde Mohawk" kind of way but your local grocery bagger is cute too. Are you going to cry when he quits? If you're a Jimmy fan or a … [Read more...]

Sad-gate: Did Falcons Fake Crowd Noise?

If you've been to an Atlanta Falcons game in recent years, there are two things you've come to expect: A weird videotaped "call to action" from Samuel L. Jackson to make noise...and the deafening silence from a crowd that thinks it is loud, but is often drowned out by opposing fans. Well now it turns out, on those rare occasions when it seemed like Falcons fans were doing their part as the "12th man", it may have really been a hidden "13th" man doing the dirty work. The NFL is investigating whether the team faked crowd noise. And if you're thinking that's the most pathetic thing you've ever heard of in life, you're right. Falcon logo lookalike/team owner Arthur Blank today called … [Read more...]

NFL Divisional Round Recap: Ick!

I would like to extend my sincere apologies to fans of this weekend's losing NFL playoff teams for the inevitable jinx that took place when I gave your teams my support. (That excludes of course fans of the Dallas Cowboys. LOL at your misery!) You see, as a fan of the New Orleans Saints, a team that had a chance to win its division at 7-9 only to completely choke, it's obvious that the football gods pretty much loathe me and everything I support this season. And so, by supporting your teams in the playoffs, with the intent to smite their opponents, I pretty much destroyed your lives. My bad. Wanna know what hurts so much about that Patriots victory over the Ravens? It's that it … [Read more...]

Goodell’s Pal Clears Him in Rice Tape-Gate

When surveillance video surfaced of former Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice knocking out his then-fiance in an elevator, the NFL moved quickly to feign shock and convince us all that it was the first time anyone from the league's offices saw the tape or fully understood what happened. But despite the fact that all signs since then have pointed to some type of cover-up, an investigation handled by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell's "inside man" Robert Mueller, has shockingly cleared Goodell and the league of any wrongdoing. *Insert eye roll here.* According to Mueller's newly released report: • We uncovered no evidence that anyone at the league received or viewed an in-elevator … [Read more...]

QB Draft Drama? #BlameJameis

Much to the surprise of football fans nowhere, Florida State University quarterback and renowned crab leg lover Jameis Winston has made himself eligible for this year's NFL draft. Jameis, who lost his first game as a starter for FSU a week ago in embarrassing fashion at the Rose Bowl, has a drool-worthy resume. It's his off-the-field antics that will likely give pause to even desperate general managers at the bottom of the NFL food chain. IF it were just about football, Famous Jameis would be a no-brainer. On the field, he shows poise and resilience. He is a natural leader with a powerful arm, not to mention pocket mobility. He's a Heisman Trophy winner and he led his team to a … [Read more...]